The Gospel of St. Randy

Okay.

Having lived in these United States for this entire life,

I have been QUITE privy to the popular superstition in these parts.

CHRISTIANITY.

Now, having been so exposed to this doctrine for so long,

and being one who tends to think and reason independently,

I have long been perplexed by the seeming contradictions,

apparent within the dogma.

As such,

I present this short list,

just my way of giving some clarity,

back to this community,

which has done SO MUCH both for,

and TO,

us all.

Enjoy.

Okay, first off if your God is an all-knowing being,

he knows your thoughts and feelings,

so, prayer is redundant.

Cut it out.

On that matter, why do you pray UP?

Is God a spaceman?

And on that subject, conversely,

does Satan really live inside the Earth?

Is he King of the Mole People?

And, if Satan DOES live inside the Earth,

Then he is MUCH closer to us than God,

who lives I guess either in deep space,

or in another dimension of some kind.

Either way, Satan is far more present in our lives.

No WONDER he's a greater influence on humanity.

You know God, if you really wanted to make a difference,

you should've moved closer to your kids.

And as for Hell, just as a concept,

let me get this straight:

We have only one human lifespan,

like, 60-70 years,

to audition for Heaven.

And if we don't make the cut,

we get tortured in Hell FOREVER!!!

70 years....FOREVER.

I don't care how evil you are,

what can you do in 70 years,

that makes you deserve an ETERNITY

of torture?

Even a murderous child molester,

after 1,000 years of being assraped in Hell,

would be like,

"Shit...why am I here again? I forget, it's been so long."

I say, let the punishment fit the crime.

You spend 50 years being an asshole,

you go to Hell for 50.

Then, Heaven,

though you do have to go door-to-door,

and warn them that you're living in the neighboorhood.

"Hi, I just moved in next door, and I am required by Divine Law,

to inform you that I am a registered Sin Offender."

And on the subject of eternal torture,

would not even the most heinous torture imaginable,

get boring after 100,000 years?

I mean, yeah at first being assraped by Mt. Kilimanjaro,

would be awful.

But, you know, like 1,000 years later,

you might notice your mind wandering a bit.

I say, that since God created both Satan AND Hell,

and controls all things, IS all things,

that God really IS SATAN,

and just likes to play good cop/bad cop.

Bipolar fucking hypocrite.

Moving on.

As for homosexuality,

it is often observed,

that Christians believe homosexuality

to be a personal choice.

Now,

in my own experience,

it would seem that if from YOUR perspective,

homosexuality IS a personal choice,

then at some point in your life,

YOU had to MAKE the choice to NOT be gay,

which means, of course,

YOU'RE GAY.

Which would explain SO much.

Just a note, that REAL straight people never had to make that "switch".

It just came natural. Good luck, though.

God's Will

is supposedly the ultimate force in the universe,

superceding all other forces and desires.

If that is so,

then God controls all of your actions,

thoughts,

feelings,

desires.

In a sense, at every moment God is using you

like a hand puppet,

to act out His OWN wants and needs.

And then he JUDGES you?

What an asshole.

As for the Bible,

many modern Christians,

and so many more in the past,

have taken this Bible as the ultimate word of God.

They have used the words printed therein,

as the only required justification

for truly awful things,

such as the Inquisition,

The Crusades,

The Trinity Broadcast Network,

etc.

Now, first off I would assume,

that an eternal, formless being,

would tend not to gravitate towards the written word.

Any more than the wind,

types.

Thus, it would seem

that this Bible was written

not by God,

but by people.

And we ALL know people.

People are fucking STUPID.

And, it would FURTHER appear,

that if one were wishing to truly follow the commands of God,

that they would want to be certain,

that the guidebook they used,

was accurate.

Now, a basic perusal of biblical history,

shows that the modern Bible

is merely a conglomeration

of fourth-hand historical accounts,

ambiguous allegorical myths and legends,

and political language inserted by monarchs

to keep the people under wraps.

Maybe they call it Holy,

because it's so full of holes.

And FURTHERMORE,

would not such a careless attitude,

towards the very origins

of the one guidebook

utilized by Christians,

to assure they are doing the Right Thing,

be in itself,

Sinful?

That is akin,

to starting an immense trek across the globe,

using a map made from directions,

the AM/PM guy gave you

on his smoke break.

To me,

if God truly does judge,

then those following such a fraudulent document,

lazily avoiding any research into its true origins,

while proclaiming it to be the Word of God

will feel quite a bit of Wrath,

upon crossing over.

Good luck!

And on the subject of Sex.

The church teaches repression.

Denial.

And Sex is a Natural force.

People want to have sex.

Children all masturbate.

Sexual Desire appears all on its own

in every child,

as a basic Human desire.

The church says,

NO!

Well, God made Sex.

God made us to want fucking and want BEING fucked.

He sets us up with an undeniable desire,

and THEN tells us to DENY it?

What an asshole.

Was God in the lab somewhere,

mixing up sex hormones

and giggling?

"Oh, this'll be fucking GREAT!

They can't deny this shit,

but I'll tell them they HAVE to

or they'll go to Hell!!!

I am so awesome!"

Apparently,

God gets his kicks

by setting us up with irresistable desires,

then commanding us not to act on them.

THEN, we gotta go around LOVING and BEING KIND to everyone,

even though we're all pissed off, horny, and depressed.

The Christian motto:

"Smiling on the OUTSIDE!!!"

Okay, Christ-ie's, I have some basic advice for you,

to untangle this Gideon's knot:

You were created as a being of Desire.

And it is by following your Desires to fruition,

that all the good things on Earth occur.

You Desire food, you eat and grow.

You Desire water, you drink.

You Desire love, you form relationships.

Etc.

Every other form of being on Earth does nothing all day,

but act on its desires.

No exceptions.

Trees grow towards the Sun because they Desire sunlight.

Flowers cover the Earth because bees Desire pollen.

You get the point.

And yet,

we Humans,

God's Grandest Creation,

just HAPPENED to be made,

with Desires OPPOSITE to our own happiness?

Repression of our Desires is VIRTUE?

We have a multitude of natural desires and impulses,

and the ONLY thing on this entire Earth

telling us NOT to act on them,

is an old book of deeply-questionable origin.

Hmm.

I say,

that when you repress Desire,

you repress God's only true motive for you.

As the seed SHOULD become the tree,

the egg SHOULD become the hawk,

the HUMAN, should be,

in a constant state of satisfaction,

a life of raw desire answered by its surroundings,

a continual dance of wanting and receiving,

NEVER hungry, ALWAYS FULL, ALWAYS full.

We were not made

as creatures of Desire,

just to discard these Desires,

when they frighten us,

or because an antique novel,

suggests it.

My advice to y'all,

is to put down the old book,

let go of the old stories,

and START THINKING WITH YOUR DICK.

It is truly,

God's plan for all of us.

Amen.

R